Tim Talks To God: A Brief Dialogue

Tim Talks To God: A Brief Dialogue

 

"I AM GOD"
"Hey god, I'm Tim"
"I definitely know that."
"Oh Yeah...alright."
"Just head up those steps and through the gates and..."
"Is this about the time I made fun of that epileptic guy?"
"You made fun of an epileptic guy?"
"Oh...you didn't see that."
"Holy Shit!"
"So what is this about."
"There comes a time in every man's life when he must..."
"Is this about my addiction?"
"No"
"Is this about my rent?"
"No"
"Is this about the time I went to that gay bar?"
"No...but we do need to talk about that later."
"Is this about the..."
"YOU'RE DEAD!"
"What?!?!?"
"This is heaven. You are now deceased."
"Oh my god."
"What?"
"I'm dead?"
"You certainly are."
"Oh my god"
"WHAT?!?"
"I died?"
"Yes."
"Oh my god."
"Okay, this is just getting ridiculous...just go up that path and make a left at the golden fountain."
"How did I die?"
"You slipped and hit your head in the shower."
"Oh no!"
"What?"
"My mom is coming over and I don't want her to find me like that."
"There is nothing I can do"
"Can't you send me back?"
"No"
"Just for 20 minutes?"
"No"
"10 Minutes?"
"No"
"5 minutes?"
"No"
"30 Seconds?"
"NO!!! I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA. I AM THE ONE GOD. YOUR JEHOVAH AND YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME."
"Jeez...could you keep it down my head is really aching from that whole shower thing."
"Just go up so I can deal with the rest of the people now!"
"GOD! You don't have to be so pushy about it."
"For Christ's sake!"
"Heeeey!"
"SHUT UP JESUS OR I'LL CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO SHOWTIME AND TAKE AWAY YOUR MAGIC TRICKS...anyways back to you Tim."
"What's heaven like?"
"Why don't you just go up and find out for yourself."
"Well I don't know what the conditions are like?"
"As Good As Gold!"
"Hey has anyone ever told you that you look just like John Lithgow?"
"Well I did make him in my image."
"Not such a great job there."
"Look, do you want me to send you to lizard heaven, or conservative hell, or Walter Mathau purgatory because right now I'm thinking those places will suit you A LOT BETTER THAN HERE!!!"
"Jeez, I didn't know you were a jewish god."
"OH SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"HEEEEEEY!"
"CAN IT SATAN OR I'LL SEND YOU BACK TO WORKING AT THE TRUMAN LIBRARY! Anyways...Tim if you don't go right now I'm gonna..."
"Okay, I'm going, I'm going."
"Finally!"
"But just so you know, you should probably have some different magazines in the lobby than Ebony Magazine."
"THAT'S IT YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND AN ETERNITY WITH ANDY DICK!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"