Definition Idiot

A fear that has sat on my shoulder like an awkwardly shaped watermelon for years is that a person’s actions define who he is. This is a self-affirming mantra so often spouted by do-gooders. I am possessed by this fear, because if indeed people are defined by their actions, I am a buffoon. If you don’t trust me, I have a ready and willing physics teacher who would love nothing more than to support my much-lacking hypothesis. Although a grim thought, I have tried coming to terms with my potential as a nonsensical nitwit - and through this strife, the searches have provided me the true meaning of being simple minded.

            A profound realization of mine came just as I lifted my face from a bowl of coleslaw in which I had just fallen asleep in. As the rest of the restaurant’s patrons stared, some half-giggling, the words: idiot, jerk, blockhead, dimwit, and ignoramus rushed through my head. Yet so many times, we think these words and know little of what they mean. This called for further research. I wiped my face, lifted my chin, filled with hopeful excitement, and stumbled on to my path of discovery.

            To be labeled an idiot, one must have a few innate qualities reserved for the fruitless and few. An idiot stands above the rest in a field of those without coordination. Missing a Frisbee or a lightly tossed plate will likely lead to a bombardment of the face or stomach. Upon looking up from one of these situations, one finds a proverbial “L” stamped in large, red, boxed letters upon his forehead. Swiping and grabbing to no avail only ends in awkward predicament and embarrassment; so, a lack of coordination defines the physical core of any textbook idiot.

            With further research and testimonies from some promising subjects, a skill approached the main focus of my discovery. Speaking is difficult. Not even a highlighter-yellow “Book for Dummies” can cure an naturally ill-fated speaker. It is in this difficulty that we must derive the definition of a dunce. A normal human being may overcome the inherent impenetrability of language, but an idiot given a sentence, on the other hand, is an elephant sloshing through a swamp blindfolded. Once again, I must refer to my own tribulations as an adolescent blockhead. My freshmen year of high school was a period I refer to as my “learning curve” for speech and debate. It’s not a very steep learning curve, but like an idiot, I paddled up my dull creek towards alienation of thirty-two of my peers. Whilst excreting a speech on using a re-division of the Electoral College to enhance the presidential election process, I grew as confident as Bottom. My chest extended out and I struck an overly convinced pose and uttered “Senators, we need to speed up our…” At this point, I replaced the “L” in “Elections” with an “R” - and the result was a Freudian slip that lives on sophomorically through the fissures of time. A mere slip in the tongue is all it takes to define one’s self as a simpleton. Without the ability to communicate effectively, only an intellect reserved for most monkeys and “slow” dolphins is achievable.

            As I draw my investigation to a close, I have one last quality that will spotlight any idiot like the proverbial sore thumb. Conclusion. We’re all twits. A moron is just someone who makes obvious mistakes in every day life; but in reality, we all have fundamental flaws in our language and even our coordination. Each one of us has extended a glass of water towards his mouth and been impaled by a straw in the lip, or worse yet, the nose. Similarly, everyone has had a moment where the sentence they are declaring and hit a seven word pile-up resulting in an exclamation similar to, “ – and then Ryan said that only I would be his prom date but then he promised JESSICATHATHEWLDGTOOTHUHHPLEHHH!” When all intricacies are waded through, an idiot is just any human being.

We all have our moments of pure idiocy, but it’s these moments that make life unique and worth all the times we are left heartbroken…or face down in a bowl of coleslaw. What all these unfortunate situations had drawn me to was acceptance of my condition. I am and always will be a definition idiot. However, if you need the occasional vacation from the complex thoughts in your head that occur millions of times per second – then grab hold of each idiotic moment you have, as a means of escape. Don’t be afraid of this ill fate, programmed to be in the very core of human nature, it is both natural and beneficial to embrace your occasional over-simplicity, kick back, and let the fatuous times roll.