AAAAAAAH REAL VAMPIRES!

I may not totally agree with the vampire craze but my god I love "True Blood" and can't get enough of it. Recommended for all!

The Set-Up

So, If you find yourself a fan of this raving shena punim, I will try to post one movie review a day for the entire summer as my schedule permits. I'm also considering writing some new material but currently I've only posted pre-written things. What I will shoot for is two essays a week. One, on a current situation and then something lighthearted to wrap up the week. For now, It's just a waiting game as the National Speech and Debate Championship approaches. 6 days left.

Definition Idiot

A fear that has sat on my shoulder like an awkwardly shaped watermelon for years is that a person’s actions define who he is. This is a self-affirming mantra so often spouted by do-gooders. I am possessed by this fear, because if indeed people are defined by their actions, I am a buffoon. If you don’t trust me, I have a ready and willing physics teacher who would love nothing more than to support my much-lacking hypothesis. Although a grim thought, I have tried coming to terms with my potential as a nonsensical nitwit - and through this strife, the searches have provided me the true meaning of being simple minded.

            A profound realization of mine came just as I lifted my face from a bowl of coleslaw in which I had just fallen asleep in. As the rest of the restaurant’s patrons stared, some half-giggling, the words: idiot, jerk, blockhead, dimwit, and ignoramus rushed through my head. Yet so many times, we think these words and know little of what they mean. This called for further research. I wiped my face, lifted my chin, filled with hopeful excitement, and stumbled on to my path of discovery.

            To be labeled an idiot, one must have a few innate qualities reserved for the fruitless and few. An idiot stands above the rest in a field of those without coordination. Missing a Frisbee or a lightly tossed plate will likely lead to a bombardment of the face or stomach. Upon looking up from one of these situations, one finds a proverbial “L” stamped in large, red, boxed letters upon his forehead. Swiping and grabbing to no avail only ends in awkward predicament and embarrassment; so, a lack of coordination defines the physical core of any textbook idiot.

            With further research and testimonies from some promising subjects, a skill approached the main focus of my discovery. Speaking is difficult. Not even a highlighter-yellow “Book for Dummies” can cure an naturally ill-fated speaker. It is in this difficulty that we must derive the definition of a dunce. A normal human being may overcome the inherent impenetrability of language, but an idiot given a sentence, on the other hand, is an elephant sloshing through a swamp blindfolded. Once again, I must refer to my own tribulations as an adolescent blockhead. My freshmen year of high school was a period I refer to as my “learning curve” for speech and debate. It’s not a very steep learning curve, but like an idiot, I paddled up my dull creek towards alienation of thirty-two of my peers. Whilst excreting a speech on using a re-division of the Electoral College to enhance the presidential election process, I grew as confident as Bottom. My chest extended out and I struck an overly convinced pose and uttered “Senators, we need to speed up our…” At this point, I replaced the “L” in “Elections” with an “R” - and the result was a Freudian slip that lives on sophomorically through the fissures of time. A mere slip in the tongue is all it takes to define one’s self as a simpleton. Without the ability to communicate effectively, only an intellect reserved for most monkeys and “slow” dolphins is achievable.

            As I draw my investigation to a close, I have one last quality that will spotlight any idiot like the proverbial sore thumb. Conclusion. We’re all twits. A moron is just someone who makes obvious mistakes in every day life; but in reality, we all have fundamental flaws in our language and even our coordination. Each one of us has extended a glass of water towards his mouth and been impaled by a straw in the lip, or worse yet, the nose. Similarly, everyone has had a moment where the sentence they are declaring and hit a seven word pile-up resulting in an exclamation similar to, “ – and then Ryan said that only I would be his prom date but then he promised JESSICATHATHEWLDGTOOTHUHHPLEHHH!” When all intricacies are waded through, an idiot is just any human being.

We all have our moments of pure idiocy, but it’s these moments that make life unique and worth all the times we are left heartbroken…or face down in a bowl of coleslaw. What all these unfortunate situations had drawn me to was acceptance of my condition. I am and always will be a definition idiot. However, if you need the occasional vacation from the complex thoughts in your head that occur millions of times per second – then grab hold of each idiotic moment you have, as a means of escape. Don’t be afraid of this ill fate, programmed to be in the very core of human nature, it is both natural and beneficial to embrace your occasional over-simplicity, kick back, and let the fatuous times roll.

Tim Talks To God: A Brief Dialogue

Tim Talks To God: A Brief Dialogue

 

"I AM GOD"
"Hey god, I'm Tim"
"I definitely know that."
"Oh Yeah...alright."
"Just head up those steps and through the gates and..."
"Is this about the time I made fun of that epileptic guy?"
"You made fun of an epileptic guy?"
"Oh...you didn't see that."
"Holy Shit!"
"So what is this about."
"There comes a time in every man's life when he must..."
"Is this about my addiction?"
"No"
"Is this about my rent?"
"No"
"Is this about the time I went to that gay bar?"
"No...but we do need to talk about that later."
"Is this about the..."
"YOU'RE DEAD!"
"What?!?!?"
"This is heaven. You are now deceased."
"Oh my god."
"What?"
"I'm dead?"
"You certainly are."
"Oh my god"
"WHAT?!?"
"I died?"
"Yes."
"Oh my god."
"Okay, this is just getting ridiculous...just go up that path and make a left at the golden fountain."
"How did I die?"
"You slipped and hit your head in the shower."
"Oh no!"
"What?"
"My mom is coming over and I don't want her to find me like that."
"There is nothing I can do"
"Can't you send me back?"
"No"
"Just for 20 minutes?"
"No"
"10 Minutes?"
"No"
"5 minutes?"
"No"
"30 Seconds?"
"NO!!! I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA. I AM THE ONE GOD. YOUR JEHOVAH AND YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME."
"Jeez...could you keep it down my head is really aching from that whole shower thing."
"Just go up so I can deal with the rest of the people now!"
"GOD! You don't have to be so pushy about it."
"For Christ's sake!"
"Heeeey!"
"SHUT UP JESUS OR I'LL CANCEL YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO SHOWTIME AND TAKE AWAY YOUR MAGIC TRICKS...anyways back to you Tim."
"What's heaven like?"
"Why don't you just go up and find out for yourself."
"Well I don't know what the conditions are like?"
"As Good As Gold!"
"Hey has anyone ever told you that you look just like John Lithgow?"
"Well I did make him in my image."
"Not such a great job there."
"Look, do you want me to send you to lizard heaven, or conservative hell, or Walter Mathau purgatory because right now I'm thinking those places will suit you A LOT BETTER THAN HERE!!!"
"Jeez, I didn't know you were a jewish god."
"OH SHUT THE HELL UP!"
"HEEEEEEY!"
"CAN IT SATAN OR I'LL SEND YOU BACK TO WORKING AT THE TRUMAN LIBRARY! Anyways...Tim if you don't go right now I'm gonna..."
"Okay, I'm going, I'm going."
"Finally!"
"But just so you know, you should probably have some different magazines in the lobby than Ebony Magazine."
"THAT'S IT YOU'RE GOING TO SPEND AN ETERNITY WITH ANDY DICK!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Alice In Wonderland

Kicking off my first movie review, I chose Tim Burton's update of Lewis Carroll's 1865 fantasy novel Alice In Wonderland.

Director, writer, producer Tim Burton takes a usually dark stab at re-creating one of the most timeless, poignant, and absurd childrens' classic of all time. But, has this incredibly inventive director completely missed his mark. Indeed, in this case, he has. Don't get me wrong, from a cinematic standpoint, the grandeur of the film made most of it worth it; however, the attempt at rebooting the plot hurt the film overall more than it helped it. What this film does stand as an excellent example of, is how excessive CGI and motion capture can truly detract from the acting in the film. The always charming Johnny Depp (who seemed the best candidate to play a creep-ified version of the Mad Hatter) seemed much less a part of the role than usual. In fact, most of this movie seemed to be a bunch of talent just phoning it in. The true gem that was lost in the excessive rubble of this film was Helena Bonham Carter, Director Burton's wife. Her shrill and deviously executed Queen of Hearts was simply too perfect for the rest of the film. Yet, despite all the reasons I have not to recommend this movie, I didn't have a terrible time watching it. Although the film grew awfully absurd (probably due to the Disney-Burton collaboration) I had this deep down feeling that somewhere in a clearly marked grave, Lewis Carroll was smirking at the level of discomfort the film caused as did the original novel in his head on disembarkation from the morality drenched childrens' novels of the 19th century. At the end of the film, as Depp's Hatter finally begins Futterwacken (a repeatedly referenced form of Wonderland Hip-hop dancing) I desperately wished the film was more like the well acted and well directed prologue. However, the film should at least be given a chance to any person who has or hasn't read the original text.